Monday, December 31, 2012

Full Circle

"We'll talk about it later" she said in regards to our set New Year’s plans.  It didn't seem promising.  So here I am again practically trying to force my date to spend New Year’s with me.  It was deja vu all over again.  My turbulent first year in Austin ended with a thud on New Year’s 2011.  It now seems that 2012 will end how it started...not well.

My time here is Austin has been a serious of up and downs.  Year one was pretty much a getting acquainted period with my new surroundings.  I didn't have many friends or social contact for the first six months here.  Eventually over the summer I met girl who became my first girlfriend in Texas.  It was my first real friend in Texas all together.  The relationship was relatively brief, about four months.  But it was very meaningful, given my circumstances of being in a new place.  It ended awkwardly with a New Year’s date that couldn't have gone worse.  In reality thought the relationship had been over for a few weeks.  Oddly enough I met someone else relatively quickly.  She was young and it was really just a two month fling.  Most importantly though it help soften the blow of the previous breakup.  When that ran its course by spring I found myself back to being alone.  Should I stay in Austin or just return home? 

I wasn't so sure what the future held for me here.  I knew this town had much to offer and I was determined to enjoy myself here at least for the time being.  I began to record videos of different places that I liked in Austin.  I wanted to have the memories in case I ever left.  On one of these occasions I went this local coffee shop called the Spider House.  The rest of my year would never be the same.  By sheer chance or destiny I met this girl there with her little boy.  He was very friendly and started talking to me.  Soon I was sitting at the table talking with his mother.  It was very sweet encounter and a little bit surreal.  Almost like something out of a romantic comedy movie.  We all ended up getting ice cream together afterwards.  Later that night we agreed to go out again on a date.

So a couple weeks later we went back to the Spider House and the rest was history.  We clicked immediately and began seeing each other regularly.  Her beautiful smile, her creativity, quirky and sometimes sarcastic personality were very attractive to me.  It was so much more than that though.  We just seemed to have that chemistry that you need.  Mutual likes in music, sports, conspiracies and our often cynical viewpoints on things just seemed to go together.  More than anything though it was her unwavering dedication and love for her son that won me over.  I knew she was a very genuine, loving woman. 

We spent much of the next four months together.  We often joked of the "3 day rule." We didn't like going more than three days without seeing each other.  Trips to San Antonio, Lady Bird Lake, movies, holiday BBQ's would soon come.  But mostly we stayed at home watching movies and documentaries.  We didn't need to go out to have fun.  We just enjoyed each other company...that was enough.  The simple life just seemed to work.  It was my first real 30's relationship.  We didn't need crazy night at the bars like I did in my 20's.  I really was in this comfort zone that I hadn't felt in Austin.  Hadn't really even felt that in Chicago in a long time. 

Life was good but it wasn't perfect.  My life here in Texas was still a work in progress.  I still hadn't landed a real permanent job or career here.  I am still in a sense finding my way.  I knew that would be problematic eventually with someone with greater needs than just herself.  After a mid-summer trip to Ireland I returned to a world that wasn't quite the same.  We had our first fight that day and I began to have a creeping sense of anxiety over the next few months.  We still had lots of fun most the time but the honeymoon seemed to be over.  It seemed that I was becoming more attached each passing month and she had a hit a stopping point.  I knew she cared about me but I still couldn't close the deal.  It was difficult position to be in...what are you to do?  There are three people’s feelings I had to keep in mind.  I was ready to give it my all.  My heart was fully in it but that appeared to be not quite enough.  Relationships are complex and just because I had most the ingredients didn't mean I had them all.

So here on New Year’s Eve I'm back to where I started.  As the year draws to a close it appears the sun is setting on my relationship.  My heart still holds out for hope but I need to prepare myself for the worst.  I don't know what life holds for me in 2013.  Things feel bleak right now but I know life always get better.  That's one thing I have learned here in Austin.

Happy New Years

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