How Long Have You Known

How long have you known? How long has it shown?

Forever, if ever, forever.

DIIV

-How Long Have You Known

The haunting, dreamy melody hit my ears as the needle scratched through my skin at Atomic Tattoo. I instantly recognized the rift even though I had never heard this song before. But I had been jamming to DIIV for the last few weeks and there was no mistaking their sound.  And just like that everything started to somewhat, slowly make sense in the world. Life had reached this inevitable intersection that I was always destined to arrive at. Nothing I could have done would have changed things. And with this knowledge I began to accept reality, even is so begrudgingly.

So this is the first time I've wrote about my life in six months. I was too heartbroken and consumed by negativity over Alana to even attempt it. Oddly enough I saw her  a week after that last post. We ended up spending one last wonderful night together. Then just like that she slowly faded away...and that's where everything went sideways for me. I went out with a secession of girls, each seemly worse than the last. Chicks from the Internet, friends from work, sisters of those same friends from work. It wasn't pretty at times and I may have even been somewhat of  a douche at moments. The whole spring and summer was somewhat of a clusterfuck. I was trying so hard just to forget about her. But the harder I tried the more I failed. It seems like couldn't get my grip on the wheel called life.

Then finally one day I realized the girl was on vacation with another man. And at that moment I just kind of snapped out of it. I deleted her off Facebook the following day and that was the last of it. I needed to break that psychological hold if I was ever to be normal again. I started to regain my footing and confidence in myself. Emboldened by this, I even ended another relationship that I had going off and on for fifteen years. It too had become toxic and it should have been done at least five years ago. But i didn't have the strength then that I have now. The whole process has made me a little more cynical but a lot wiser. There is no perfect solution that will make everything ok. Life will just slowly regenerate itself one day at a time. Just like my skin; my mind will slowly heal itself. What will be left over is a better version of me.