Sunday, August 25, 2013

How Long Have You Known




How long have you known? How long has it shown?

Forever, if ever, forever.


DIIV
-How Long Have You Known



The haunting, dreamy melody hit my ears as the needle scratched through my skin at Atomic Tattoo. I instantly recognized the rift even though I had never heard this song before. But I had been jamming to DIIV for the last few weeks and there was no mistaking their sound.  And just like that everything started to somewhat, slowly make sense in the world. Life had reached this inevitable intersection that I was always destined to arrive at. Nothing I could have done would have changed things. And with this knowledge I began to accept reality, even is so begrudgingly.

So this is the first time I've wrote about my life in six months. I was too heartbroken and consumed by negativity over Alana to even attempt it. Oddly enough I saw her  a week after that last post. We ended up spending one last wonderful night together. Then just like that she slowly faded away...and that's where everything went sideways for me. I went out with a secession of girls, each seemly worse than the last. Chicks from the Internet, friends from work, sisters of those same friends from work. It wasn't pretty at times and I may have even been somewhat of  a douche at moments. The whole spring and summer was somewhat of a clusterfuck. I was trying so hard just to forget about her. But the harder I tried the more I failed. It seems like couldn't get my grip on the wheel called life.

Then finally one day I realized the girl was on vacation with another man. And at that moment I just kind of snapped out of it. I deleted her off Facebook the following day and that was the last of it. I needed to break that psychological hold if I was ever to be normal again. I started to regain my footing and confidence in myself. Emboldened by this, I even ended another relationship that I had going off and on for fifteen years. It too had become toxic and it should have been done at least five years ago. But i didn't have the strength then that I have now. The whole process has made me a little more cynical but a lot wiser. There is no perfect solution that will make everything ok. Life will just slowly regenerate itself one day at a time. Just like my skin; my mind will slowly heal itself. What will be left over is a better version of me.



Saturday, February 9, 2013

Home



"Home is a place in the mind.  When it is empty, it frets. It is fretful with memory, faces and places and times gone by. Beloved images rise up in disobedience and make a mirror for emptiness."

-Maeve Brennan, The Visitor


Well it's been six weeks since I last wrote here.  Needless to say I needed the time away to compose myself and collect my thoughts since 2012 ended.  The one I love here walked away and I've been trying to put the pieces back together. In some ways I'm relearning how to live here in Austin. Reacquainting myself with a city that I somewhat ignored the past year. I've reconnected with old friends, gone out and tried to have as much fun as possible. Trying to love life again here in this town. But truth be told it's been the most lonely time I've spent since I first moved here two years ago. When I lay my head down at night there is still a huge void in my life. I'm still trying to find that happy place...I'm still trying to find my way back home.

Home is a funny word when you think about it.  It means so much more than a physical place. To me it means more about a feeling of comfort, familiarity and being loved. For the first year here in Austin I struggled to find that feeling. I made some friends, partied on 6th Street, Red River and the countless other drinking spots. Had brunch, went swimming, caught movies at the Alamo Drafthouse and did the so many Austin activities that define this place. I even met a couple girls during the process who were amazing people.  But I never confused having fun with a sense of belonging. In some ways the whole experience felt more like a long vacation of sorts.  It really wasn't until I met her that I had that feeling that we all crave.  Life just felt different after that. I felt like I was apart of something and somebody. I felt loved, appreciated and important here in Austin.  Life just started to click more for me here in all aspects. She in a sense became my home...my happy place. I looked forward to the week to week routine that became our life last year.  It didn't really matter where we were or what we were doing...it just felt like I belonged.  It was a wonderful feeling.

So I am in a way back to where I started. Trying to get out, make new friends and that whole bit. I've gone to Super Bowl parties, free keggers and drunken birthday get togethers.  Life isn't over and it will get better. But for now it just ain't quite the same. I miss my home in more ways than one. I hope to find that feeling again. So I'm going to keep it brief and leave on that note. Until next time...